Tuff Love

I alluded to this on my Facebook, but it just REQUIRES a blog post! I mean, something this big, this…UNREAL, deserves a blog post, right?

I post semi-regularly on the website MetalSludge.tv’s “Gossip Board” a forum in which people talk all things heavy metal, from Sabbath to Skid Row, they talk about it! They also throw out insults, put downs, and make fun of washed-up 80s hair metal musicians on a daily basis, just like God intended!

Recently, I asked a question on the forum in which I wanted to know why musicians overdub their instruments in the studio as opposed to just recording “live!”

My question was as follows:

This may be the most dumbest question asked here, but dammit, I want to know!

If a four piece band consists of vocalist, guitarist, bassist, and drummer, why does the band overdub rhythm guitar over a guitar solo, why not just leave it bare bones so the bass and drums are the only “rhythm” section?

Same goes for a band with two guitarists, if two guitarists are doing a dual solo, then why overdub rhythm guitar? To the untrained ear, it sounds like there’s three guitarists!

Also, why add keyboards to songs if bands don’t list a keyboardist as a member of the band? Why add orchestration?

My head hurts!

A pretty simple question, right? A question in which some people who’d have an inkling on what goes on in the studio would answer. Well, one would think that…

I got a few smart-ass remarks, a few good answers, then this:

Why rinse with mouth wash, then floss and brush? Why not just grab a stick of gum and say fuck it?

Why make meatloaf and potatoes in the oven, bread in a toaster, or boil water for vegetables on the stove? Why not throw it all in a crock pot from Target?

Why eat her pussy, then finger her, then 69 each other, and then fuck. Why have her friend sit on your face, while they make out and your dick is in your GF’s pussy? Why make them shove dildo’s in each other while you whack with lube over their faces?

Do we need to go on?

Idiot.

Who’s the douchebag, you ask? The “MetalSludeCEO” Stevie Rachelle, former lead singer of Tuff, a D- 80′s metal hair band who wrote this timeless classic:

It’s not as classic and as overplayed as Def Leppard’s “Let’s Get Rocked” but it’s just as vomit inducing.

I felt a mixture of emotions after such an 80s metal icon decided to take time out of his busy schedule to respond to such a small person like me. I mean…what are the odds?!?!

Worshipping the ground he now can barely walk on, I responded with this:

Why release cringe worthy Poison-esque songs? Why be a Bret Michaels clone? Why ride the coattails of every he-she 80′s hair metal band?

Being the epitome of wit, Mr. Rachelle responded with a gem that knocked the Aqua Net out of my hair:

Because I can.

How I could I respond to such an intelligent comeback?

That’s great!

Still bitter over the fact Gerri Miller (former editor of Metal Edge, a heavy metal magazine) didn’t do a spread of you in your speedos in “Metal Edge?”

Also, didn’t you rip the idea of “Metal Sludge” from Mad Magazine? I seem to recall they did a parody of Metal Edge in the late 80s entitled “Metal Sludge.”

Mr. Rachelle seemed to get his pink leather pants in a twist. Being an avid reader of Mad Magazine during my youth. Mad, in fact, did a parody of “Metal Edge” called “Metal Sludge”…years before the current incarnation of Metal Sludge, and when Mr. Rachelle was still giving overweight teenage groupies flyers for his “band better than the world” he-she band, Tuff. Mr. Rachelle seemed a bit pissed I knew that little-known factoid:

Bitter over NO Metal Edge coverage? Huh? The band was probably in 2-3 dozen issues over the years.

Please pay attention.

I really didn’t understand his statement, as he was avoiding my accusation of ripping off Mad Magazine. Was I bitter that I didn’t get no coverage in an 80′s hair metal rag? Was he bitter? One of his sheep responded to my accusation with this:

Mad Magazine was not smart enough to trademark Metal Sludge; $tevil (Stevie Rachelle’s nickname on the site) was. Having a good idea and failing to protect it is dumb. Picking up an unprotected good idea and making it yours is really smart!

Who knew someone who wrote some of the most asinine lyrics in music history was such a genius? Mad Magazine dubbed it’s writers “The Usual Gang of Idiots.” I believe Mr. Rachelle and one of his sheep gives him way too much credit for that distinction.

Believing that Mr. Rachelle was too busy readying the world for “Vains of Jenna” a band he uh…”manages”…

No, that’s not an 80′s hair band, that’s a current band wanting to be an 80′s hair band. Confused? So are they.

…anyway, I responded with this:

Why would I be bitter? If I had a band on the D- list of 80s hair metal, I’d probably be like most of ‘em today…flippin’ burgers, a fat, drunken parody of my former self, or making a parody website and calling it “Shit Parader.” See how witty and brilliant that was?

Tuff wasn’t really on my radar in their..er…”heyday”, just another bunch of transvestites with guitars. However, their former singer (current? Whatever…) seems to still have sand in his vagina.

Later posts were from more people still not believing that they were in the presence of an 80′s hair metal super-hero and sometimes interview-ee on VH1′s shows about bands way past their expiration date!

For those of you wanting to see the actual “debate”, you have to register a username and password on the site. As far as Mr. Rachelle goes, he’s probably too busy counting his dozens of dollars to respond to such a peon such as myself. However, for one shining second, I was in the presence of hair metal royalty! Perhaps this will only be my claim to fame, and if it is, I can die a happy man!

Mark Hallburn Hates the Amish

Who is Mark Hallburn, you ask?

This guy:

THAT guy, runs a er…”news” site out of Hurricane, WV and has been the focus of ridicule for his often psychotic rants and actions.  Recently, this man has been the subject matter for underground blogging sensation Girl of Words.

Today, I decided to check out his website for blog fodder, and the man never lets me down.

His latest “editorial” focuses on why the town he lives in doesn’t have “dem movin’ pikchurs.”

Below, I’ve decided to do the most unholy thing I could think of and provide you all with a link to this guy’s blog (NOT a news site). If you read his past “stories”, you’ll find a man who’s not only psychotic, but a racist, bigot, ego-maniac, elitist…the list goes on and on.

We laugh AT you, not WITH you:

We live in the Digital Age. We listen to music on our MP3s or iPods, watch flat-screen, high definition televisions with signals sent from satellites or played back on your DVR. You’re reading this column on your computer or P.D.A. And you text, watch TV, or make telephone calls on your cell phone. Lost in your car? Turn on your G.P.S. And, of course, digital calculators, microwaves, and watches have been with us for decades.

Technology is everywhere.

But some technology is very rare in Putnam County. We’re talking about moving or flashing digital signs. While flashy images have impressed tourists and bored New Yorkers in Times Square for decades. Ditto in Las Vegas and Tokyo, Japan.

But not in Putnam County. That’s because, in non-municipalities, moving digital signs have yet to get approval by our Anti-Progress Commissioners.

Yes, you’ll find a couple in Hurricane, and one at Mountain View Elementary School, but in Teays Valley, and on the new U.S. 35, moving digital signs are illegal.

This, of course, makes parts of Putnam County look like it’s stuck in the ’60′s. And that isn’t acceptable.

Supposedly, it’s a driving safety issue.

Baloney.

Text messaging on cell phones, applying makeup, smoking, are dangerous driving distractions. Moving digital signs aren’t dangerous.

This is a situation where two backwards conservatives, “Amish Steve” Andes, and “Amish Joe” Haynes, can’t stand progress, and are doing everything in their power to stop progress. So when a motion came to outlaw moving digital signs, Amish Steve and Amish Joe moved and seconded Putnam County businesses from using new technology.

Two people stopped sign makers, and advertisers from earning a living. Two people stopped businesses from using an effective tool. And those two people, Amish Steve, and Amish Joe, need to get into their horses and buggies and ride out of Putnam County!

Out of one side of their faces, The RINO’s (Republicans In Name Only) claim to be against government interfering in business, but on the other side of their faces, vote against business.

If a billboard company, or a business, invests thousands of dollars in Putnam County, Andes and Haynes shouldn’t stop them from using a moving digital sign. Instead, they should thank the business person for believing in Putnam County and support that business!

Because of government “leaders” like Andes and Haynes, Putnam County has a well-earned reputation for being “anti-business.” Business owners have told me for years that the Putnam County Planning Commission is out-of-control.

I’ve never had to deal with building permits, but those that do tell me it’s a nightmare!

The ironic thing is that while Putnam County won’t allow pretty moving digital signs, they will allow a guy to keep junk all over his front yard. Go figure!

The hypocrisy extends past a couple of commissioners saying they are pro-business then stopping progressive, moving digital signs. Haynes is also Parks and Recreation Commissioner. Care to guess what Haynes and the parks commissioners recently ordered for the entrance of Valley Park? A moving digital sign!

Oh, the hypocrisy!

It seems government agencies, like the school board, (which put a moving digital sign in front of Mountain View Elementary) and the parks board, are exempt from codes outlawing moving digital signs.

PutnamLIVE.com is calling on Andes and Haynes to stop their hypocrisy! Prove they are pro-business by taking their grubby little hands off the moving digital sign prohibition. Instead of scaring businesses away with their RINO politics, go out and recruit some businesses. We need jobs in Putnam County, not a couple of backwards, Amish, RINO commissioners!

Yeah.

So, because Mr. Hallburn doesn’t have his “movin’ pickchurs” he insults both a lifestyle and two local officials.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight……..

Mr. Hallburn insults these political officials by calling them Amish.  The Amish are hard-working, God-fearing people who make everything they own, these are things Mr. Hallburn isn’t.  The Amish often sell their goods to us um…”non-Amish” folk, and they are always quality products…from food to things they build with their bare hands.

In fact, I used to live right next door to a new house that was being built.  Several Amish men were working on the house and I would often chat with them…they are very good people and have quite the sense of humor about themselves.

Mr. Hallburn, what’s wrong with being hard-working?  What’s wrong with making goods with your bare hands?  What’s wrong with being without modern conveniences?

Mr. Hallburn, you sit behind your computer making statements like this 24/7. You consider yourself a public figure, and yet you make statements like this. What’s wrong with that picture?

Mr. Hallburn, you are dog shit. Everything about you is ugly.

From Dictionary.com:

Racist-

–noun-

1.	a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2.	a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3.	hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

The Ironton Tribunal Vol. 1

Every so often, I’ll gather police and news reports I deem stupid bullshit from everybody’s favorite wiping paper, The Ironton Tribune.

For those who don’t know, The Ironton Tribune is my hometown “news”paper that sometimes reports on things that are…..not really news, or things that makes one think, “Why bother?”

Grab a cup of joe, sit back, and let’s take a look at what goes on in Ironton, OH’s seedy underbelly.

***The names have been removed to protect the stupid***

Lawn mower — Vicinity of Sixth and Ashtabula streets Monday, person riding lawn mower in street, negative contact.

Kids in traffic — McGovney and 11th streets Monday, small children reportedly running through traffic with no adult supervision, negative contact.

Juveniles in street — Ninth and Adams streets Wednesday, kids reportedly playing basketball in street and passing ball over top of passing cars, negative contact.

Need person removed — 600 block North Fifth Street Wednesday, woman not welcome, moved on, police summoned second time, ***** 415 Mulberry St., Ironton, and , ******, 607 N. Fifth St., Ironton, both arrested and taken to jail.

Domestic — Windsor Township Monday, woman reportedly struck by pot of beans, ******* 1077 Township Road 214N, Willow Wood, arrested and taken to jail.

Bee swarm — No location given Monday, swarm of bees reportedly congregating in back yard, local beekeeper asked to help.

Check on children — Moulton Field Saturday, very young children reportedly with adults at park at 3 a.m., negative contact.

Domestic — County Road 64, Willow Wood Monday, woman, 10-year-old child reportedly threaten each other with broom, knife, child sent to live with father, too young for group home, Children’s Services involved.

Trouble — 2600 block South Ninth Street, intoxicated woman reportedly refusing to allow man to leave, advised.

Domestic — Upper Township Wednesday, woman reportedly struck with TV remote, ******, 3690 State Route 93, Ironton, arrested and taken to jail.

Aggravated burglary — Private Drive 3, Chesapeake Tuesday, two pair of jeans and set of silverware taken.

Chicken loose — Big Lots parking lot, Second Street Friday, chicken running loose, dog warden notified, animal caught.

Fight — 300 block North Fifth Street Sunday, child reportedly causing trouble on church bus, taken to police station and released to parents.

Disorderly conduct — Sheriff’s office lobby, Fifth Street Saturday, man recently released from jail causing trouble, ********, 909 N. Second St., Ironton, arrested and taken to jail.

Domestic — Reported at police station Saturday, woman reportedly spat on, ******, 370 Susan Court, Ironton, arrested and taken to jail.

Burglary — Township Road 101, Willow Wood Tuesday, TV, digital camera, beer, and security tape taken from residence.

Assault — County Road 1, South Point Sunday, 12-year-old boy reportedly hit in face by adult man, suspect named, advised authorities he struck child after child cursed him.

Woman yelling — 100 block of North 7th Street; Thursday; negative contact.

Man standing in traffic — South 3rd Street, vicinity of Eagles; negative contact.

Disturbance — Lawrence Street; 6:42 p.m., Saturday, March 28; golfer reportedly hitting balls onto Route 52 from Lawrence Street; negative contact.

Fight — vicinity of Washington and South 2nd Street; midnight Friday; fight; no room at jail, parties separated and sent away.

Felonious assault — Township Road 1186, South Point Sunday, man reported he was stabbed , later told deputies he cut his finger and his leg during a fight, ***** 1097 County Road 1, South Point, charged with falsification, violation of protection order and taken to jail.

Disorderly conduct — Lawrence Street park Thursday, strange man reportedly got into another person’s vehicle, is refusing to leave and banging his head in dashboard, no room in drunk tank at jail, man released to care of relative.

Theft — Yours, Mine Consignment Shop Thursday, two digital cameras taken.

Randy Yohe the Porn Peddler

From WSAZ.com:

(Reporter — Randy Yohe)

Link to the story with video!

“WEST PORTSMOUTH, Ohio (WSAZ) — Open the latest issue of Playboy Magazine, and you’ll find that Candice Cassidy reigns as Miss June.

The 23-year-old blonde is a 2004 West Portsmouth High Graduate.

Her family says she recently graduated from Shawnee State with a psychology degree and owns a local dance studio.

Her magazine bio and Myspace page says Candice is a farm girl, who plans on earning her masters degree, loves to party with Hugh Hefner and the girls at the Playboy Mansion and her dream date would be Eminem.

Miss June 2009 made her first Playboy appearance back in 2006 as a Cyber Girl, recreating classic centerfolds from decades gone by.

Candice says she hopes to marry and have a family within the next five years- but in the meantime she says there are so many things she wants to do.

Candice does not use her real last name. She says all Playboy models change their names for safety and security reasons.

Her family says she picked Cassidy from a favorite cousins’ first name.”

A girl from my area is in Playboy.

Who cares, right?

Well, the gang at WSAZ and especially Randy Yohe apparently do.

It must have been a really slow news day.  Not alot of Detroit tourists to report on in Huntington, I guess.

If you watch the video, WSAZ er…”reporter” Randy Yohe walks around Portsmouth, OH to gauge people’s reaction to seeing boobs.

You got your typical guy reactions, some say, “If that’s what she wants to do”, some women “There are other ways of making money” and others say, “BEWBS!!!!!!!!”  Well…the latter not so much…but you get the idea.

But Yohe and the gang made it a POINT to say they covered the girl’s naughty-no-no parts…with BLUE TAPE…to make it “presentable” to the general public.  I think the public was more shocked that a grown man was walking around town in broad daylight holding a Playboy magazine with a camera asking people, “HEY!!  LOOKIT!!  GIRL!!!  BOOBS!!!  WHAT YOU THINK???”

What the “print” version of the story doesn’t mention is that one of the girl’s “turn-offs” are “tighty whities.”  How do I know this?  Randy Yohe told me so.

Yep, WSAZ reporter Randy Yohe stood in front of a camera, looked in the aforementioned magazine, and told the world one of the girl’s turn offs is “tightie whities.”

Let me say this again.  A WSAZ reporter who’s in his mid-40s (I guess) told the world on TV that this girl’s turn offs include tightie whities.

Mr. Yohe, is your salary worth the stigma that some may now associate you with those weird people that hang around their high school 5 or more years after they have graduated…or dropped out?

Campbell’s Meatball Alphabet Soup…I miss you!

Growing up in the 80s never tasted so good.

Yeah, it figures.  A fat guy blogging about FOOD!  How original, eh?

Sadly, I could not find any pictures to adorn my blog of this EPIC soup!

When I was a wee lad, Campbell’s made a soup so delicious it made me want to freebase it.

That soup was called Meatball Alphabet Soup.

It was a soup like no other.  Beef broth,  meatballs, and alphabet noodles (hey, back then you could eat AND learn).  But it was more than those three ingredients, there was something else about it…something mysterious that made it so GOOD!  Sadly, I’ll never know.  Like Colonel Sanders’ Secret Recipe, the world will never know.

But something happened towards the end of the 80s…Meatball Alphabet Soup was slowly fading from the store shelves.  I could never figure this out.  How could a something so delicious be going away?   Just like Hair Metal in the 80s, Meatball Alphabet Soup went away with the onset of the 90s.   Unlike Hair Metal, it didn’t stage any reunions or comebacks.

Meatball Alphabet Soup died, never to return.

Every soup has it’s meatball, just like every alphabet has it’s noodle.

BJ Without the Bear?

From WSAZ.com:

“KANAWHA COUNTY, W.Va. (WSAZ) — A man from Elkview faces several charges after police say he was caught fondling himself while driving on Interstate 64.

The alleged crime happened late Sunday night near Dunbar.

According to the criminal complaint, two truck drivers called 911 to report a man fondling himself while driving on the interstate. An officer later pulled that driver over at the Oakwood Road exit.

The officer explained to the driver why he was pulled over and the officer says Andrew N. Jones, 34, of Elkview, said he was just changing clothes while he was driving.

According to the complaint, the truck drivers both saw Jones driving with his pants down by his ankles, wearing women’s underwear and stockings and he was fondling himself while driving.

“When challenged about the witness account Jones states that he had recently gone through a divorce, had used methamphetamine prior to the stop and was excited as he was going to see a girlfriend,” the complaint states.

Jones also stated he was talking dirty to the girl while driving and may have been touching himself.

Officers later searched Jones’ car and say they found a bag of meth, along with a meth pipe.

Jones is now charged with indecent exposure, simple possession of meth, and driving on a suspended license.”

So let me get this straight, two truck drivers just happened to look over and see this guy do naughty things to himself and noticed he was wearing women’s clothes.   I’m not defending the pervert, but shouldn’t the truck drivers be worried about THE ROAD instead of what a guy is doing in the other lane??

The story does not mention the perv’s vehicle swerving or anything like that.  So one has to wonder why the truck drivers called 911 to report some dude jerking off in women’s clothing.  Also, the incident happened at night, so unless the guy had his interior lights on, there is no way the truck drivers could have seen anything.

Here’s my take on the story, and of course this is just SPECULATION:  Some truck drivers are known to be well…as perverted as the guy jerking off in his car.  It could be that two truck drivers wanted to meet this guy for a little action at the nearest rest stop.  The guy shows up in women’s underwear, the truck drivers give the guy some meth, suddenly, the guy in question has second thoughts and leaves the area so the truck drivers follow.  The truck drivers are pissed because they thought they could score a dude dressed in women’s clothing.  They call 911 and make up some story to the cops, the cops pull over the guy in question…HE makes up some story to the cops to hide his homosexuality (and so does the truck drivers), but he’s high on meth and has a suspended license, so he pretty much was screwed either way.

Maybe I’m just as perverted for thinking up a scenario like that.  But hey, I’ve heard worse!

Anyway, I thought I’d share that story.

As promised, I’ll post my ripping of that douchebag Dane Cook later tonight.

Keytar Hero

Right now, it’s 9:32 a.m. and I’m surprisingly awake.  Last night, before I went to bed I had some weird notion to do a blog on the most underrated musical instrument of all time:

The keytar.

The keytar is half-keyboard, half-guitar, and everything awesome.   The instrument rose to semi-popularity in the 80s when keyboardists just couldn’t take being in the shadows no more and started shredding “Lick My Love Pump” in D minor (Spinal Tap reference) out in front for the whole world to see.

They keytar didn’t get any respect, let alone keytarISTS!  However, if one was a classically trained pianist they could shred on the keytar just as much as Eddie Van Halen could shred on the guitar.  Sadly, we didn’t have any keytar masterpieces like “Eruption” or anyone coming out with a keytar band complete with keytarists and keybassists, so the keytar died in the late 80s.

Just think if Jerry Lee Lewis, Stevie Wonder, or Ray Charles would have picked up a keytar and started jamming, then perhaps the keytar trend would have followed well into the 90s.

Perhaps Kurt Cobain would have been happier if he had a keytar.

The world will never know.

Bloggin’ II: Electric Boogaloo

I guess I’ll start off this way:

I believe EVERY movie sequal should be Electric Boogaloo.   For example, “Godfather II:  Electric Boogaloo”  or “Titanic II:  Electric Boogaloo”, you get the picture.

For those of you who don’t know.  “Electric Boogaloo” is the sequal to the 80′s “Breakin’” series about breakdancing.  They were the “You Got Served” movies before “serving” took the place of fighting and murder in gangs.

I believe all of our problems could be solved by doing a little popping or moonwalking, wouldn’t you agree?