Tuff Love

I alluded to this on my Facebook, but it just REQUIRES a blog post! I mean, something this big, this…UNREAL, deserves a blog post, right?

I post semi-regularly on the website MetalSludge.tv’s “Gossip Board” a forum in which people talk all things heavy metal, from Sabbath to Skid Row, they talk about it! They also throw out insults, put downs, and make fun of washed-up 80s hair metal musicians on a daily basis, just like God intended!

Recently, I asked a question on the forum in which I wanted to know why musicians overdub their instruments in the studio as opposed to just recording “live!”

My question was as follows:

This may be the most dumbest question asked here, but dammit, I want to know!

If a four piece band consists of vocalist, guitarist, bassist, and drummer, why does the band overdub rhythm guitar over a guitar solo, why not just leave it bare bones so the bass and drums are the only “rhythm” section?

Same goes for a band with two guitarists, if two guitarists are doing a dual solo, then why overdub rhythm guitar? To the untrained ear, it sounds like there’s three guitarists!

Also, why add keyboards to songs if bands don’t list a keyboardist as a member of the band? Why add orchestration?

My head hurts!

A pretty simple question, right? A question in which some people who’d have an inkling on what goes on in the studio would answer. Well, one would think that…

I got a few smart-ass remarks, a few good answers, then this:

Why rinse with mouth wash, then floss and brush? Why not just grab a stick of gum and say fuck it?

Why make meatloaf and potatoes in the oven, bread in a toaster, or boil water for vegetables on the stove? Why not throw it all in a crock pot from Target?

Why eat her pussy, then finger her, then 69 each other, and then fuck. Why have her friend sit on your face, while they make out and your dick is in your GF’s pussy? Why make them shove dildo’s in each other while you whack with lube over their faces?

Do we need to go on?

Idiot.

Who’s the douchebag, you ask? The “MetalSludeCEO” Stevie Rachelle, former lead singer of Tuff, a D- 80′s metal hair band who wrote this timeless classic:

It’s not as classic and as overplayed as Def Leppard’s “Let’s Get Rocked” but it’s just as vomit inducing.

I felt a mixture of emotions after such an 80s metal icon decided to take time out of his busy schedule to respond to such a small person like me. I mean…what are the odds?!?!

Worshipping the ground he now can barely walk on, I responded with this:

Why release cringe worthy Poison-esque songs? Why be a Bret Michaels clone? Why ride the coattails of every he-she 80′s hair metal band?

Being the epitome of wit, Mr. Rachelle responded with a gem that knocked the Aqua Net out of my hair:

Because I can.

How I could I respond to such an intelligent comeback?

That’s great!

Still bitter over the fact Gerri Miller (former editor of Metal Edge, a heavy metal magazine) didn’t do a spread of you in your speedos in “Metal Edge?”

Also, didn’t you rip the idea of “Metal Sludge” from Mad Magazine? I seem to recall they did a parody of Metal Edge in the late 80s entitled “Metal Sludge.”

Mr. Rachelle seemed to get his pink leather pants in a twist. Being an avid reader of Mad Magazine during my youth. Mad, in fact, did a parody of “Metal Edge” called “Metal Sludge”…years before the current incarnation of Metal Sludge, and when Mr. Rachelle was still giving overweight teenage groupies flyers for his “band better than the world” he-she band, Tuff. Mr. Rachelle seemed a bit pissed I knew that little-known factoid:

Bitter over NO Metal Edge coverage? Huh? The band was probably in 2-3 dozen issues over the years.

Please pay attention.

I really didn’t understand his statement, as he was avoiding my accusation of ripping off Mad Magazine. Was I bitter that I didn’t get no coverage in an 80′s hair metal rag? Was he bitter? One of his sheep responded to my accusation with this:

Mad Magazine was not smart enough to trademark Metal Sludge; $tevil (Stevie Rachelle’s nickname on the site) was. Having a good idea and failing to protect it is dumb. Picking up an unprotected good idea and making it yours is really smart!

Who knew someone who wrote some of the most asinine lyrics in music history was such a genius? Mad Magazine dubbed it’s writers “The Usual Gang of Idiots.” I believe Mr. Rachelle and one of his sheep gives him way too much credit for that distinction.

Believing that Mr. Rachelle was too busy readying the world for “Vains of Jenna” a band he uh…”manages”…

No, that’s not an 80′s hair band, that’s a current band wanting to be an 80′s hair band. Confused? So are they.

…anyway, I responded with this:

Why would I be bitter? If I had a band on the D- list of 80s hair metal, I’d probably be like most of ‘em today…flippin’ burgers, a fat, drunken parody of my former self, or making a parody website and calling it “Shit Parader.” See how witty and brilliant that was?

Tuff wasn’t really on my radar in their..er…”heyday”, just another bunch of transvestites with guitars. However, their former singer (current? Whatever…) seems to still have sand in his vagina.

Later posts were from more people still not believing that they were in the presence of an 80′s hair metal super-hero and sometimes interview-ee on VH1′s shows about bands way past their expiration date!

For those of you wanting to see the actual “debate”, you have to register a username and password on the site. As far as Mr. Rachelle goes, he’s probably too busy counting his dozens of dollars to respond to such a peon such as myself. However, for one shining second, I was in the presence of hair metal royalty! Perhaps this will only be my claim to fame, and if it is, I can die a happy man!

Stop GMC

On the way to work yesterday, I happened upon this:

I thought, “Could my little town be on the verge of gang warfare, and this was some gang marking their turf?”

Then I realized that’d make Ironton, OH WAYYYY too interesting.

I then thought that perhaps it was someone’s initials and this was their way of telling us he/she needs to be stopped before they spraypaint again!

However, I came to the conclusion that someone was wanting to stop GM(A)C!  Apparently,  they just forgot the “A.”  It happens.

I agree that GMAC needs to be stopped.  First, they didn’t listen to Al Gore and continued to produce gas-guzzling cars and SUVs.  Then, when things went to shit the CEOs flew in private jets asking the government for a handout!  Now, they’re bankrupt (or on the verge, I dunno) and in a world of suck!

I applaud this Ironton, OH citizen for taking a stand and telling the world to stop GM(A)C!

Host My Ass

Here I go again.

Where’s that shiny new blog I had up?  Gone.  Kaput…along with the two new entries (which will be rewritten later).  Yahoo somehow deleted my ENTIRE blog without my knowledge.  Also, they had a VERY old version of WordPress that couldn’t even embed video (WP 2.6.2).  So I cancelled service and will be getting a refund….I BETTER be getting a refund.

I consider myself VERY computer literate, but this has been nothing but a gigantic pain in my taint.  I basically had to learn the ins and outs of hosting, FTP, etc by myself.  However, learning these things by myself has made me well….knowing how to use them (sorta).

So here I am back at WordPress’ root blog control or whatever.  I still would love to host this blog somewhere else withouth the irritation of what I went through.  Any FREE web hosting out there that isn’t a total rip-off?  Anyone want to host me on their…host?  

So yeah, the previous entries from  yesterday will be re-written later.

Technical Difficulties

I WAS supposed to be on a brand new hosting site with a shiny new theme and everything.

I gave the hosting people my info at 1am last night, and went to bed excited like a kid at Christmas that tomorrow (or today), I’d be the owner of a NEW (old) blog on a new host and everything will be right with the world.

As of now, my account with said hosting service is still “pending” and after a couple of emails, still no response.  Sooo…I redirected all traffic back to here, what little traffic I had anyway.

So hang in there, kids.  A new crypticbullshit.com will soon emerge.  When?  I dunno.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Lawry’s Seasoning Salt

Lawry’s Seasoned Salt…is there anything it CAN’T do??

From burgers, to chicken, to steak, to hot dogs…I put it on there.  It makes things just taste…awesome!  It’s the crack of seasoning!

In fact, I also tried it on popcorn once and it even made it taste good!  Of course, just dry-air popped popcorn sans butter.

I bet if you put Lawry’s on dog shit it’d make it taste good…not that I’d recommend it or anything.

Blog the Salad

I’ve heard alot of people complain that people in prison get treated as if they were in a country club, complete with HDTV, internet access, etc.  I’ve also heard it argued that they should have these things taken away indefinitely for whatever crime they committed.

To all this, I say, “Hold the shank!”

I say give prisoners access to a computer 24/7.  However, only allow them to blog about their experiences in prison…don’t allow them to connect to ANYONE….let them talk about what really goes on in jail and let the public read about it.  To hell with MSNBC and their excessive marathons of “Locked Up.”  Give Charles Manson a Myspace page and let the fun begin!  Who needs a shrink when we can see for ourselves what goes through their minds…and what goes on behind bars.  Let them Twitter when they’ve been Twattered!

For example:

human_pin_cushion wrote:  can’t even take a shit in peace these people are animals in here why is everyone calling me bitchtits oh this place is terrible.

No more “Scared Straight” programs, because let’s face it, kids today are mobile and connected…if we let prisoners blog about their everyday lives and tell the world what really goes in on these prisons on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, etc…it will get read by kids who are thinking about saying no…but really don’t want to!

Keep in mind that these “prison blogs” are to be monitored for “secret” codes or messages and are only used to talk about what goes on behind bars.

I think that if certain facilities were to implement this, it might keep the jail population down when someone reads how they were reamed in the ass for a month continuously, or cut, stabbed, etc.

Kill my landlord….kill my landlord.

“Well gang, it looks like we got ourselves another mystery!”

From The Ironton Tribune:

LaSha Cremeans can recall what made her become interested in the supernatural.

“I lived in a haunted house,” she said matter-of-factly. “I kept hearing noises and things moved (on their own). Out of the blue I grabbed a camera and a recorder to see if I could tape anything.”

When the tapes were played, Cremeans and friends heard voices telling them to get out of the house. Cremeans vacated her North Fifth Street abode after that but she remained fascinated by the paranormal.

Now, she, her cousin, Kenneth Miller, his wife, Jennifer Miller and friends Corey Bare and Luke Aldridge have formed the Ironton Paranormal Society. On request, they will investigate reports of ghosts and other extraordinary phenomenon.

“We want to give people peace of mind,” Kenneth Miller said. “We go in, ask people what’s been going on, what they’re experiencing and look for hot spots (areas in the site that may be most affected by the paranormal event).”

Like the investigators on television, the IPS has a variety of electronic equipment aimed at detecting visual and audio manifestations. The intent is to provoke the entity and find out what it is and why it is there.

They have taken part in several investigations in the past couple of years and sometimes work with a similar group from the eastern end of the county, the Proctorville Paranormal Investigative Team.

Earlier this month IPS members investigated supernatural activity at a house on Hog Run Road; the people moving out of the house claimed to have seen the apparition of a nun, saw water faucets turn on and off and heard footsteps.

“When we went through the door I had an uneasy feeling,” Kenneth Miller said. He said they found evidence of a haunting there.

They investigated paranormal activity at a North Fifth Street house in Ironton over the weekend, just a few doors down from where Cremeans once lived and experienced her haunting. The woman who lives there claims to have seen shadows, seen doors open and shut and heard dishes rattling in cabinets.

The IPS members stress they do not bless homes. They only investigate the presence of the supernatural.

To contact the Ironton Paranormal Society, prospective clients may call (740) 523-0135. The group also has a website: www.irontonps.webs.com.

Slow news day, Ironton Tribune?

Zoinks!

With the success of such ghostbusting shows like “Ghost Hunters”, “Paranormal State” and “The New Scooby-Doo Mysteries”, alot of people have been taking up the arms and have called themselves ghost…busters…solvers….mystery….ROOBY-DOO!!!

Personally, I do believe there are more things in this world than just us and Spencer Pratt. However, I don’t need someone with a homemade proton pack trying to investigate my house Macgyver-style with some KY Jelly, a used diaper, and an empty box of Sugar Smacks to find out if there’s a spooky ghost roaming about.

So…if I hear a noise, or if the telephone rings and I’m not expecting a call, or if my dog farts mysteriously, these jackasses with their “high tech” equipment (a See ‘n Say, an Etcha-Sketch, a CB radio, a Mr. Microphone, and glue) will come and solve the mystery of whatever ghoul is terrorizing me?  Will there be special guest appearances by Don Knotts?  Sonny and Cher?  The Addams Family?  Speed Buggy?

Jinkies!

Some people need to quit watching “The Amityville Horror” and “Poltergeist.” No one is going to go into a TV, or I don’t think one’s face is going to start peeling off when they look in the mirror.

These “ghostbusters” are as phony (and stupid) as John Edwards, I can understand wanting to talk or see a long-lost loved one, to paraphrase a line from a “South Park” episode: “People are scared of death and people like this offers you some kind of understanding. People want to believe in it so much, I know you all do. You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones are floating around trying to talk to you, but think about it: Is that really what you want? To just be floating around after you die, having to talk to these assholes? We need to recognize this stuff for what it is – magic tricks, slight of hand, and special effects. Because whatever is really going on in life and in death is much more amazing than what these douchebags do with their show and tell parlor tricks!”

And they would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for this meddling fat kid!

Jon & Kate Plus 8, I Hate

The title sounds Dr. Suess-ish, eh?

Or perhaps something Yoda would say while flipping through the channels and landing on the wackiness that is this stupid show.

So, it’s about a guy, a girl…and their 37 kids?

Do the husband and wife have some sort of special powers?  Does one of the kids play bass in My Chemical Romance?  Do they have a dog that solves mysteries?  Is there an old, perky housekeeper that gives good advice at the end of each show?  Does a plan come together?  Does someone ask what they’re talking about, Willis?

No?

Oh, I get it!  It’s a show about a husband, wife, and their 8 kids.  We follow along on the TEE-VEE each and every week to find out what wackiness ensues.  Are they divorcing?  Did Jon cheat?  Is Kate gay?  Is one of the kids growing an extra arm??

The appeal is that they have 8 kids.  Oh….how…..ugh…..

I know lots of people who have 8 or more kids, and I believe they would make for a much more entertaining reality show.

The producers of such reality shows need to look at how life is really like in Southern Ohio for those who live in yonder trailer parks:

“Huck @ Charlene Plus 19 — Follow the wacky adventures of an unemployed couple living off welfare!  Their goal is to have as many kids as humanly possible to win that ONE MILLION DOLLAR government prize!  Charlene is only 14, Huck is 48…will it last?  Laugh as 3 year old Huck III waddles around with pieces of corn stuck in his hair!  Chuckle as the kids have left-over chocolate milk crusted over their mouth!  Follow them around Wal-Mart with our multiple hidden cameras and watch the kids go off in all directions screaming while Huck smacks Charlene around saying, “Womyn, it’z yer fawt, now gettin’ to get ‘dem kidz!”  Help Huck decide whether or not to buy soap or beer in our online poll!  It’s Huck @ Charlene Plus 19 — this Fall on on Fox!

Now that would be quality reality show entertainment!

Random Reach Arounds

I use to blog on Myspace, but Myspace is for stalkers now….and I mainly use it to keep in touch with friends and listen to music…wait…isn’t that what it’s for??  Facebook FTW!   Anyway, I had this er…”popular” recurring blog called “Random Reach Arounds” (hence the name of this entry) where I would sound off on anything and everything.  I know someone who once said, “What a waste of time it is to write about things that annoy you or your lot in life” and I say, “Then don’t read it!!”  This is my blog and I’ll write about taking a shit if I want to!

And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go:

Speaking of Myspace, Facebook, and others of it’s ilk, what’s the thing about people posing in pictures with beer bottles in their hands on social networking sites?   Is it a rite of passage?  A talisman?  A sign saying, “Hey!  LOOKIT!!  I are oldz enuf to holdz beer bobble, are is not I kewl??”  I figure it’s the “new” gang signs.  Instead of representing the ‘hood, they are representing extreme self-esteem issues because as everyone knows, the way to have everyone think you’re awesome is to take a picture of you holding a booze bottle for the whole world to see.

Going along with the topic of booze, I can never understand why addicts get sympathy.   I have heard addiction called a disease.  Cancer is a disease, not addiction.  Addiction is a choice, disease is not.  I have no sympathy or tolerance for addicts, because they made that choice.   Don’t give me that crap of “being around it all your life” or “they made me do it” or “my life sucks” or whatever, no one put a gun to your head to make you do anything.  I ate at MCD’s last night, no one MADE me put that chicken sandwich in my mouth…I chose to.   The show “Intervention” makes me LOLZ, simply because it’s a show glorifying addiction.  I just KNOW there are people out there saying, “Man, if I just smoke enough meth…maybe I’ll be on TV, too!”  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but shows like that are 98% acting, 2% reality.

Don’t you just love people who love to be miserable?  No matter what you do, you can’t make them happy?  Then, when you try and be good to them, that doesn’t make them happy, either.  When that fails, they again complain about how much their life sucks.  It’s the new kind of “emo” called “lameo”, look for the “lameo” look with the new Fall Out Boy CD.  Being a “lameo” is the same as being comatose, you don’t have a reaction to anything.  You can’t spell “lameo” without “emo!”

What in the hell happened to Eddie Murphy?  A man that’s one of my influences is no longer FUNNY!  What happened to the “Delirious” Eddie or the “Raw” Eddie?  I watched both of those along with his stuff on “SNL” so much when I was growing up I had the dialogue memorized!  I know actors have to expand…but throw us a Michael Jackson bone (that was just plain wrong) every once in awhile!

Pop music sucks anymore.  The last good pop song I heard was Katy Perry’s “Hot ‘N Cold.”  The last good decade for pop music was the 90s.  Everything nowadays is Auto-Tuned, overproduced, no-talent, crap (Britney, I’m looking at you!).  There’s still syncronized dancing in music videos, but not as epic as Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” video:

That’s it, Pat!  Tell these kids how it’s done!  WE ARE STRONNNNNG!!!

I invite you all to click on the “Other Bullshitters” link and check out some dandy bloggers out there!   Out of the zillion bloggers out there, these are the ones I read and that I deem “quality bullshit.”

Blogging is a battlefield.

Hot Apple Lies

Tonight…while on my lunch break at work, I was enjoying my Mcdonald’s order which consisted of a chicken sandwich, fries, ice tea…and a hot apple pie.

DON’T JUDGE!!  It was good!

Anyway, while I removed my hot apple pie from the MCD’s bag I noticed something weird:

That “USE THRU” sticker freaked me out!

So, the fast-food conspiracist in me got to thinking, “What if someone just stuck that on a years-old hot apple pie???”

I decided I didn’t care and ate it anyway.

I’m still alive.

Then I decided I’m fat and I shouldn’t be eating Mcdonald’s

I decided I didn’t care about that, either.

Mcdonald’s and my gut…I’m luggin’ it!