Tuff Love

I alluded to this on my Facebook, but it just REQUIRES a blog post! I mean, something this big, this…UNREAL, deserves a blog post, right?

I post semi-regularly on the website MetalSludge.tv’s “Gossip Board” a forum in which people talk all things heavy metal, from Sabbath to Skid Row, they talk about it! They also throw out insults, put downs, and make fun of washed-up 80s hair metal musicians on a daily basis, just like God intended!

Recently, I asked a question on the forum in which I wanted to know why musicians overdub their instruments in the studio as opposed to just recording “live!”

My question was as follows:

This may be the most dumbest question asked here, but dammit, I want to know!

If a four piece band consists of vocalist, guitarist, bassist, and drummer, why does the band overdub rhythm guitar over a guitar solo, why not just leave it bare bones so the bass and drums are the only “rhythm” section?

Same goes for a band with two guitarists, if two guitarists are doing a dual solo, then why overdub rhythm guitar? To the untrained ear, it sounds like there’s three guitarists!

Also, why add keyboards to songs if bands don’t list a keyboardist as a member of the band? Why add orchestration?

My head hurts!

A pretty simple question, right? A question in which some people who’d have an inkling on what goes on in the studio would answer. Well, one would think that…

I got a few smart-ass remarks, a few good answers, then this:

Why rinse with mouth wash, then floss and brush? Why not just grab a stick of gum and say fuck it?

Why make meatloaf and potatoes in the oven, bread in a toaster, or boil water for vegetables on the stove? Why not throw it all in a crock pot from Target?

Why eat her pussy, then finger her, then 69 each other, and then fuck. Why have her friend sit on your face, while they make out and your dick is in your GF’s pussy? Why make them shove dildo’s in each other while you whack with lube over their faces?

Do we need to go on?

Idiot.

Who’s the douchebag, you ask? The “MetalSludeCEO” Stevie Rachelle, former lead singer of Tuff, a D- 80′s metal hair band who wrote this timeless classic:

It’s not as classic and as overplayed as Def Leppard’s “Let’s Get Rocked” but it’s just as vomit inducing.

I felt a mixture of emotions after such an 80s metal icon decided to take time out of his busy schedule to respond to such a small person like me. I mean…what are the odds?!?!

Worshipping the ground he now can barely walk on, I responded with this:

Why release cringe worthy Poison-esque songs? Why be a Bret Michaels clone? Why ride the coattails of every he-she 80′s hair metal band?

Being the epitome of wit, Mr. Rachelle responded with a gem that knocked the Aqua Net out of my hair:

Because I can.

How I could I respond to such an intelligent comeback?

That’s great!

Still bitter over the fact Gerri Miller (former editor of Metal Edge, a heavy metal magazine) didn’t do a spread of you in your speedos in “Metal Edge?”

Also, didn’t you rip the idea of “Metal Sludge” from Mad Magazine? I seem to recall they did a parody of Metal Edge in the late 80s entitled “Metal Sludge.”

Mr. Rachelle seemed to get his pink leather pants in a twist. Being an avid reader of Mad Magazine during my youth. Mad, in fact, did a parody of “Metal Edge” called “Metal Sludge”…years before the current incarnation of Metal Sludge, and when Mr. Rachelle was still giving overweight teenage groupies flyers for his “band better than the world” he-she band, Tuff. Mr. Rachelle seemed a bit pissed I knew that little-known factoid:

Bitter over NO Metal Edge coverage? Huh? The band was probably in 2-3 dozen issues over the years.

Please pay attention.

I really didn’t understand his statement, as he was avoiding my accusation of ripping off Mad Magazine. Was I bitter that I didn’t get no coverage in an 80′s hair metal rag? Was he bitter? One of his sheep responded to my accusation with this:

Mad Magazine was not smart enough to trademark Metal Sludge; $tevil (Stevie Rachelle’s nickname on the site) was. Having a good idea and failing to protect it is dumb. Picking up an unprotected good idea and making it yours is really smart!

Who knew someone who wrote some of the most asinine lyrics in music history was such a genius? Mad Magazine dubbed it’s writers “The Usual Gang of Idiots.” I believe Mr. Rachelle and one of his sheep gives him way too much credit for that distinction.

Believing that Mr. Rachelle was too busy readying the world for “Vains of Jenna” a band he uh…”manages”…

No, that’s not an 80′s hair band, that’s a current band wanting to be an 80′s hair band. Confused? So are they.

…anyway, I responded with this:

Why would I be bitter? If I had a band on the D- list of 80s hair metal, I’d probably be like most of ‘em today…flippin’ burgers, a fat, drunken parody of my former self, or making a parody website and calling it “Shit Parader.” See how witty and brilliant that was?

Tuff wasn’t really on my radar in their..er…”heyday”, just another bunch of transvestites with guitars. However, their former singer (current? Whatever…) seems to still have sand in his vagina.

Later posts were from more people still not believing that they were in the presence of an 80′s hair metal super-hero and sometimes interview-ee on VH1′s shows about bands way past their expiration date!

For those of you wanting to see the actual “debate”, you have to register a username and password on the site. As far as Mr. Rachelle goes, he’s probably too busy counting his dozens of dollars to respond to such a peon such as myself. However, for one shining second, I was in the presence of hair metal royalty! Perhaps this will only be my claim to fame, and if it is, I can die a happy man!

Murder On Myspace Music: Side A

I’m introducing a new feature here at Cryptic Bullshit called “Murder On Myspace Music” where I will feature up-and-coming artists and bands on Myspace who are really, really, really, bad.

Our first murderer is a fellow who goes by the name of Michael Hott. Michael sometimes goes by his real name of Wayne Thomson.

According to his Myspace page, Michael, “being one of the top vocalists back in the 80′s working with national acts such as Srtryker and Graffixx, after a break from the music scene is now coming back more determined than ever. not only doing popular 80′s music as well as up to date and current material. He is also working on original tracks as well. He is currently looking for a group that has the same vision and determination.”

Just listen to his er…”cover” of Poison’s “Fallen Angel” just to hear how he was one of the top vocalists in the 80s.

I know rock/metal artists backwards and forwards, and I’ve NEVER heard of this guy or the bands he “sang” for.

Win big, mama’s fallen angel.

Unskinny Bopped

After (badly…not even HIDING the fact that they were) miming “Nothing But A Good Time”, Poison frontman Bret Michaels got whacked in the head by a falling backdrop at the Tony Awards.

Michaels is said to have been not hurt after being protected by three layers of wig on his head.

One begs the question, what in the WORLD was Poison doing at the Tony Awards??

I guess a “Rock of Love” musical is in the works.

A Mental Groundhog Day

“Come On Eileen” has been on a loop in my head for the past three days.

Thank you Dexy’s Midnight Runners for making such a catchy song AND video.  Today I bought some overalls, wore shoes without socks, and lip-synched “Come On Eileen” in the mirror AND did that little jig Kevin Rowland does in the video.

Don’t judge me!

Jan Terri — Musical Genius

I have no idea who Jan Terri is, nor do I care. I came across her brilliant music video for “Losing You” while fishing for videos on YouTube the other day. In this day and age with MTV and VH1 more concerned about putting on crappy reality shows about moronic rich kids and Flava Flav, I found it refreshing that someone who looks and sings like Jan Terri has the grapes to put out her product for the world to see.

Even though these music videos and recordings of her songs were done in the 90s, it’s almost nostalgic in a sense to go back in time and look and rock out at the music and chuckle at the styles of that by-gone era.

Jan Terri is an accomplished singer, dancer, choreographer, director, bassist, and owned her own record company, JT Records. In a way, she was the Puff Daddy of her time before Puff Daddy came on to the scene. Jan Terri was this —— close to becoming like other female powerhouses in the 90s, like Courtney Love, Alanis Morissette, and Celine Dion.

Her music touched me, touched me in a way that blind woman touched the statue of Lionel Richie in his video for “Hello.” I am sharing my love of the musical genius of Jan Terri with you all.

Keytar Hero

Right now, it’s 9:32 a.m. and I’m surprisingly awake.  Last night, before I went to bed I had some weird notion to do a blog on the most underrated musical instrument of all time:

The keytar.

The keytar is half-keyboard, half-guitar, and everything awesome.   The instrument rose to semi-popularity in the 80s when keyboardists just couldn’t take being in the shadows no more and started shredding “Lick My Love Pump” in D minor (Spinal Tap reference) out in front for the whole world to see.

They keytar didn’t get any respect, let alone keytarISTS!  However, if one was a classically trained pianist they could shred on the keytar just as much as Eddie Van Halen could shred on the guitar.  Sadly, we didn’t have any keytar masterpieces like “Eruption” or anyone coming out with a keytar band complete with keytarists and keybassists, so the keytar died in the late 80s.

Just think if Jerry Lee Lewis, Stevie Wonder, or Ray Charles would have picked up a keytar and started jamming, then perhaps the keytar trend would have followed well into the 90s.

Perhaps Kurt Cobain would have been happier if he had a keytar.

The world will never know.