Welcome to a very special session of Remedial Bullshit…er….104.
We are living in a time of uncertainty, where nations like North Korea and their ilk are threatening to blow us to smithereenies!
We here at Cryptic Bullshit LIVE to inform, educate, and inspire! So that’s we we dug up this film to educate you all on what to do in case Kim Jong Il gets sand in his vagina:
Welcome to Remedial Bullshit 103!
I understand some of you don’t know what to do on a date with the opposite sex. I’ve heard some of you have gone so far as to hold hands in a public place! That’s a naughty no-no! In Remedial Bullshit 103, this swell film will tell all you swell cats and swell chicks what to do on a swell date the swell way!
Hey breeders and feeders! Welcome to Remedial Bullshit 102, I see many of you have passed Remedial Bullshit 101, and for that, I congratulate you! For those who didn’t, you’ll be transferred to the “Special” Bullshit class where you will learn what direction NASCAR drivers race in plus you’ll be watching many hours of TJ Hooker.
Tonight’s class you’re going to learn, “Are You Popular?” This short film examines if you are indeed hip, slick, and if all the ladies and gentlemen like your Colorforms!
Hello to all my breeders and feeders out there!
This evening, or night…day…whichever time zone you’re in while reading this, I’m going to be a major dude and tell all my other dudes in arms on how to man up!
I’m not talking about getting a job or moving out of your parents basement.*cough* I’m talking about how to be a decent looking GUY in today’s society.
Think of this blog as a finishing school for men…without the finishing.
The first topic we’re going to cover is hygiene. Now no one, especially women…likes a guy that smells like oil, gasoline, BO, and rape. As a man, you can overcome this hurdle by simply jumping in the shower and using soap and shampoo EVERY DAY! However, if you want to pimp up your primping, I suggest you use a soap, shampoo, or a body wash that’s made specifically for men. In my own routine, I use Suave for Men Shampoo plus Conditioner. My hair doesn’t really need conditioned, I just like the smell. For a soap, I use a soap that has one of those “Icy” smells, like Dial Mountain Ice or something like that. I stay away from that Axe crap…it’s cheap and it smells like Taco Bell wrapped in a used maxi-pad that’s seen better days, but to each his own. If you believe that once you spray a squirt of that stuff on you and beautiful women will instantly appear in the shower with you, then by all means. Please keep in mind that what I use may not work for you, everyone’s body chemistry is different…so shop around and find something that works best for you. Remember, shower EVERY day…please? I don’t need to smell you while I’m in Wal-Mart buying my hygiene products.
Next up is the all important deodorant. If you work somewhere where you sweat alot or work out or whatever…get something that you know can LAST! Stay away from the cheap stuff and PLEASE don’t buy Old Spice. I don’t care what those commercials say, it’s not long lasting. There’s a reason it’s called OLD Spice. It’s been around so long I think Christopher Columbus ganked it from the “Indians” in the “Indies” and used their spices he “discovered” to wash away the smell of fish and shame knowing he really didn’t discover America or anything useful that someone in the 4th grade can learn from. The best stuff out there period is Degree, in my opinion. I use Degree for Men Extreme Blast..it lasts all day and well into the next day. Again, my body chemistry is different…so what works for me may not work for you.
Next stop is shaving. If you’re a dude like me who has a goatee, you know there’s a science to shaving around it and shaping it juuuuuust right! Most guys use electric razors. In my experience, they don’t shave close enough and still leave stubble. I use the Gillette Sensor Excel…it’s been around awhile and I get a really good shave from it. The replacement cartridges are expensive as hell, but worth it. If you go the non-facial hair route…you’re gay! HAH! I KEED! I KEED! If you do have facial hair, TRIM THE SHIT! No girl I know of likes kissing guys with an afro on their face. There’s any number of electric trimmers out there that get the job done. Just don’t use scissors unless you’re a skilled beautician or people might be asking you why your lips are on your ear.
Next on the list is hair. If you’re one of the men still blessed with a full head of hair, awesome! If you’re going bald and losing your hair, that’s great, too! It’s a part of life that can’t be helped. If your hair is falling out and you’re bummed about it, there’s any number of doctors that can help that specialize in that sort of thing. Just don’t walk around trying to cover the shit up with a hat or ponytail. You know the guy walking around with his bald dome glowing in the sun and the long ponytail in the back…you’re not fooling anyone! We can see your bald business in the front and we really don’t want to find out if there’s a party in the back! If you’re going bald…JUST BUZZ IT ALL OFF! Why wait for nature? Take a trimmer and zap it. Lots of ladies like bald men.
If you’re blessed with a full head of hair, there are a number of ways you can style it using whatever’s out there right now. Or you can just leave it alone…everyone’s different. I style my hair with some cheap gel I get at Wal-Mart…it does it’s job. I just dab a bit of gel in my hand and bedhead my gourd and I’m all set. Some guys think it’s “gay” to use product in their hair. Tell THAT To Adam Lambert…er….Ricky Martin…er…the guys in Rascal Flatts…er….SHUT UP!!!!
The next topic is nail care. I have NEVER met a girl that says she likes it when guys run THEIR nails down HER back. Guys, trim your nails…fingers and toes! The look worked for Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands…not so much on you. Bite ‘em, clip’ em, burn ‘em…whatever you have to do.
Let’s move on to cologne. This is a hot debate for all guys. Again, this all depends on body chemistry. Whatever smells good TO you may not smell good ON you. Just shop around and test different colognes on your wrist. Dab a bit here and there to get that “right” scent. Just don’t go overboard and test ALL the colognes or you’re end up smelling like a girl trying to hide her yeast infection. My favorite “expensive” colognes are Cool Water and Joop. However, I mostly use stuff from the Bath and Body Works for Men section. It’s inexpensive, long lasting, and the scents are awesome! You might be surprised at B&B Works Men’s selection! One thing of note…do NOT bathe in your cologne of choice. If someone can smell you coming from state-to-state…you might be wearing a tad too much. Just spray a bit on your neck and chest…and you’re set. However, different colognes have different reactions to your body’s chemistry and sometimes it does take a bit to smell “nice.” Just know your limits without overdoing it.
This is just some bullshit advice, not to be taken literally or with alcoholic beverages. Once again, what works for me may not work for you. However, if you do heed the aforementioned suggestions, you may go from looking like this:
To this:
Every so often, I’ll post educational videos and tutorials I deem “Remedial Bullshit” that will inform you, Constant Reader…things you should know.
Today’s class begins with what I had to sit through (and watch) in high school Health class. This two-part film examines what us guys go through when we hit those magical years of puberty.
Other People's Bullshit