Tuff Love

I alluded to this on my Facebook, but it just REQUIRES a blog post! I mean, something this big, this…UNREAL, deserves a blog post, right?

I post semi-regularly on the website MetalSludge.tv’s “Gossip Board” a forum in which people talk all things heavy metal, from Sabbath to Skid Row, they talk about it! They also throw out insults, put downs, and make fun of washed-up 80s hair metal musicians on a daily basis, just like God intended!

Recently, I asked a question on the forum in which I wanted to know why musicians overdub their instruments in the studio as opposed to just recording “live!”

My question was as follows:

This may be the most dumbest question asked here, but dammit, I want to know!

If a four piece band consists of vocalist, guitarist, bassist, and drummer, why does the band overdub rhythm guitar over a guitar solo, why not just leave it bare bones so the bass and drums are the only “rhythm” section?

Same goes for a band with two guitarists, if two guitarists are doing a dual solo, then why overdub rhythm guitar? To the untrained ear, it sounds like there’s three guitarists!

Also, why add keyboards to songs if bands don’t list a keyboardist as a member of the band? Why add orchestration?

My head hurts!

A pretty simple question, right? A question in which some people who’d have an inkling on what goes on in the studio would answer. Well, one would think that…

I got a few smart-ass remarks, a few good answers, then this:

Why rinse with mouth wash, then floss and brush? Why not just grab a stick of gum and say fuck it?

Why make meatloaf and potatoes in the oven, bread in a toaster, or boil water for vegetables on the stove? Why not throw it all in a crock pot from Target?

Why eat her pussy, then finger her, then 69 each other, and then fuck. Why have her friend sit on your face, while they make out and your dick is in your GF’s pussy? Why make them shove dildo’s in each other while you whack with lube over their faces?

Do we need to go on?

Idiot.

Who’s the douchebag, you ask? The “MetalSludeCEO” Stevie Rachelle, former lead singer of Tuff, a D- 80′s metal hair band who wrote this timeless classic:

It’s not as classic and as overplayed as Def Leppard’s “Let’s Get Rocked” but it’s just as vomit inducing.

I felt a mixture of emotions after such an 80s metal icon decided to take time out of his busy schedule to respond to such a small person like me. I mean…what are the odds?!?!

Worshipping the ground he now can barely walk on, I responded with this:

Why release cringe worthy Poison-esque songs? Why be a Bret Michaels clone? Why ride the coattails of every he-she 80′s hair metal band?

Being the epitome of wit, Mr. Rachelle responded with a gem that knocked the Aqua Net out of my hair:

Because I can.

How I could I respond to such an intelligent comeback?

That’s great!

Still bitter over the fact Gerri Miller (former editor of Metal Edge, a heavy metal magazine) didn’t do a spread of you in your speedos in “Metal Edge?”

Also, didn’t you rip the idea of “Metal Sludge” from Mad Magazine? I seem to recall they did a parody of Metal Edge in the late 80s entitled “Metal Sludge.”

Mr. Rachelle seemed to get his pink leather pants in a twist. Being an avid reader of Mad Magazine during my youth. Mad, in fact, did a parody of “Metal Edge” called “Metal Sludge”…years before the current incarnation of Metal Sludge, and when Mr. Rachelle was still giving overweight teenage groupies flyers for his “band better than the world” he-she band, Tuff. Mr. Rachelle seemed a bit pissed I knew that little-known factoid:

Bitter over NO Metal Edge coverage? Huh? The band was probably in 2-3 dozen issues over the years.

Please pay attention.

I really didn’t understand his statement, as he was avoiding my accusation of ripping off Mad Magazine. Was I bitter that I didn’t get no coverage in an 80′s hair metal rag? Was he bitter? One of his sheep responded to my accusation with this:

Mad Magazine was not smart enough to trademark Metal Sludge; $tevil (Stevie Rachelle’s nickname on the site) was. Having a good idea and failing to protect it is dumb. Picking up an unprotected good idea and making it yours is really smart!

Who knew someone who wrote some of the most asinine lyrics in music history was such a genius? Mad Magazine dubbed it’s writers “The Usual Gang of Idiots.” I believe Mr. Rachelle and one of his sheep gives him way too much credit for that distinction.

Believing that Mr. Rachelle was too busy readying the world for “Vains of Jenna” a band he uh…”manages”…

No, that’s not an 80′s hair band, that’s a current band wanting to be an 80′s hair band. Confused? So are they.

…anyway, I responded with this:

Why would I be bitter? If I had a band on the D- list of 80s hair metal, I’d probably be like most of ‘em today…flippin’ burgers, a fat, drunken parody of my former self, or making a parody website and calling it “Shit Parader.” See how witty and brilliant that was?

Tuff wasn’t really on my radar in their..er…”heyday”, just another bunch of transvestites with guitars. However, their former singer (current? Whatever…) seems to still have sand in his vagina.

Later posts were from more people still not believing that they were in the presence of an 80′s hair metal super-hero and sometimes interview-ee on VH1′s shows about bands way past their expiration date!

For those of you wanting to see the actual “debate”, you have to register a username and password on the site. As far as Mr. Rachelle goes, he’s probably too busy counting his dozens of dollars to respond to such a peon such as myself. However, for one shining second, I was in the presence of hair metal royalty! Perhaps this will only be my claim to fame, and if it is, I can die a happy man!

An El Debarge Moment

This El Debarge Moment is brought to you in part by:

And now, An El Debarge Moment:

This El Debarge Moment was filmed before a live studio audience.

Sit Boo Boo sit!!   Good dog!!

Murder On Myspace Music: Side A

I’m introducing a new feature here at Cryptic Bullshit called “Murder On Myspace Music” where I will feature up-and-coming artists and bands on Myspace who are really, really, really, bad.

Our first murderer is a fellow who goes by the name of Michael Hott. Michael sometimes goes by his real name of Wayne Thomson.

According to his Myspace page, Michael, “being one of the top vocalists back in the 80′s working with national acts such as Srtryker and Graffixx, after a break from the music scene is now coming back more determined than ever. not only doing popular 80′s music as well as up to date and current material. He is also working on original tracks as well. He is currently looking for a group that has the same vision and determination.”

Just listen to his er…”cover” of Poison’s “Fallen Angel” just to hear how he was one of the top vocalists in the 80s.

I know rock/metal artists backwards and forwards, and I’ve NEVER heard of this guy or the bands he “sang” for.

Win big, mama’s fallen angel.

A Mental Groundhog Day

“Come On Eileen” has been on a loop in my head for the past three days.

Thank you Dexy’s Midnight Runners for making such a catchy song AND video.  Today I bought some overalls, wore shoes without socks, and lip-synched “Come On Eileen” in the mirror AND did that little jig Kevin Rowland does in the video.

Don’t judge me!

All Gave Some, Roper Gave All

In honor of all the Memorial Day bullshit, when everyone SAYS they’re going to remember those that have fallen for this country when they’re REALLY going to get plastered and “Some Gave All” by Miley Cyrus’ husband is played ad-nauseam, I’m taking this moment to honor someone who really….gave all of his…..some……

Mr. Roper

Mr. Roper sacrificed more for this country than some will have you believe.  He was the landlord of a very successful apartment complex which housed oversexed men and women.  He was married to a woman who did not appreciate the fact that he was the breadwinner and put up with so much crap from both her and his tenants.  She was always complaining that he didn’t sleep with her enough or spend time with her…but what she didn’t realize is that it takes alot of work to maintain an apartment complex AND the tenants.  Mrs. Roper was a very self-absorbed woman who was blinded by the fact that Mr. Roper worked very hard to put food on the table and was often times too tired to spend quality time with her.

Mr. Roper also had to deal with walking in to very complex sitatuations.  Alot of times he would be out on a maintance call to his apartment complex only to find perceivably straight men engaging in homo-erotic behvaior, men and women engaging in hedonistic actions, and noise.

Years passed and Mr. Roper and his wife “spinned-off” into a new city for a season or two, with Mr. Roper selling his apartment complex to a guy with bug eyes and a kerchief fetish.

Mr. Roper passed away on December 14, 1998.

On this Memorial Day weekend Mr. Roper.  I salute what you have done for this country.

Campbell’s Meatball Alphabet Soup…I miss you!

Growing up in the 80s never tasted so good.

Yeah, it figures.  A fat guy blogging about FOOD!  How original, eh?

Sadly, I could not find any pictures to adorn my blog of this EPIC soup!

When I was a wee lad, Campbell’s made a soup so delicious it made me want to freebase it.

That soup was called Meatball Alphabet Soup.

It was a soup like no other.  Beef broth,  meatballs, and alphabet noodles (hey, back then you could eat AND learn).  But it was more than those three ingredients, there was something else about it…something mysterious that made it so GOOD!  Sadly, I’ll never know.  Like Colonel Sanders’ Secret Recipe, the world will never know.

But something happened towards the end of the 80s…Meatball Alphabet Soup was slowly fading from the store shelves.  I could never figure this out.  How could a something so delicious be going away?   Just like Hair Metal in the 80s, Meatball Alphabet Soup went away with the onset of the 90s.   Unlike Hair Metal, it didn’t stage any reunions or comebacks.

Meatball Alphabet Soup died, never to return.

Every soup has it’s meatball, just like every alphabet has it’s noodle.

Keytar Hero

Right now, it’s 9:32 a.m. and I’m surprisingly awake.  Last night, before I went to bed I had some weird notion to do a blog on the most underrated musical instrument of all time:

The keytar.

The keytar is half-keyboard, half-guitar, and everything awesome.   The instrument rose to semi-popularity in the 80s when keyboardists just couldn’t take being in the shadows no more and started shredding “Lick My Love Pump” in D minor (Spinal Tap reference) out in front for the whole world to see.

They keytar didn’t get any respect, let alone keytarISTS!  However, if one was a classically trained pianist they could shred on the keytar just as much as Eddie Van Halen could shred on the guitar.  Sadly, we didn’t have any keytar masterpieces like “Eruption” or anyone coming out with a keytar band complete with keytarists and keybassists, so the keytar died in the late 80s.

Just think if Jerry Lee Lewis, Stevie Wonder, or Ray Charles would have picked up a keytar and started jamming, then perhaps the keytar trend would have followed well into the 90s.

Perhaps Kurt Cobain would have been happier if he had a keytar.

The world will never know.

Bloggin’ II: Electric Boogaloo

I guess I’ll start off this way:

I believe EVERY movie sequal should be Electric Boogaloo.   For example, “Godfather II:  Electric Boogaloo”  or “Titanic II:  Electric Boogaloo”, you get the picture.

For those of you who don’t know.  “Electric Boogaloo” is the sequal to the 80′s “Breakin’” series about breakdancing.  They were the “You Got Served” movies before “serving” took the place of fighting and murder in gangs.

I believe all of our problems could be solved by doing a little popping or moonwalking, wouldn’t you agree?