Tuff Love

I alluded to this on my Facebook, but it just REQUIRES a blog post! I mean, something this big, this…UNREAL, deserves a blog post, right?

I post semi-regularly on the website MetalSludge.tv’s “Gossip Board” a forum in which people talk all things heavy metal, from Sabbath to Skid Row, they talk about it! They also throw out insults, put downs, and make fun of washed-up 80s hair metal musicians on a daily basis, just like God intended!

Recently, I asked a question on the forum in which I wanted to know why musicians overdub their instruments in the studio as opposed to just recording “live!”

My question was as follows:

This may be the most dumbest question asked here, but dammit, I want to know!

If a four piece band consists of vocalist, guitarist, bassist, and drummer, why does the band overdub rhythm guitar over a guitar solo, why not just leave it bare bones so the bass and drums are the only “rhythm” section?

Same goes for a band with two guitarists, if two guitarists are doing a dual solo, then why overdub rhythm guitar? To the untrained ear, it sounds like there’s three guitarists!

Also, why add keyboards to songs if bands don’t list a keyboardist as a member of the band? Why add orchestration?

My head hurts!

A pretty simple question, right? A question in which some people who’d have an inkling on what goes on in the studio would answer. Well, one would think that…

I got a few smart-ass remarks, a few good answers, then this:

Why rinse with mouth wash, then floss and brush? Why not just grab a stick of gum and say fuck it?

Why make meatloaf and potatoes in the oven, bread in a toaster, or boil water for vegetables on the stove? Why not throw it all in a crock pot from Target?

Why eat her pussy, then finger her, then 69 each other, and then fuck. Why have her friend sit on your face, while they make out and your dick is in your GF’s pussy? Why make them shove dildo’s in each other while you whack with lube over their faces?

Do we need to go on?

Idiot.

Who’s the douchebag, you ask? The “MetalSludeCEO” Stevie Rachelle, former lead singer of Tuff, a D- 80′s metal hair band who wrote this timeless classic:

It’s not as classic and as overplayed as Def Leppard’s “Let’s Get Rocked” but it’s just as vomit inducing.

I felt a mixture of emotions after such an 80s metal icon decided to take time out of his busy schedule to respond to such a small person like me. I mean…what are the odds?!?!

Worshipping the ground he now can barely walk on, I responded with this:

Why release cringe worthy Poison-esque songs? Why be a Bret Michaels clone? Why ride the coattails of every he-she 80′s hair metal band?

Being the epitome of wit, Mr. Rachelle responded with a gem that knocked the Aqua Net out of my hair:

Because I can.

How I could I respond to such an intelligent comeback?

That’s great!

Still bitter over the fact Gerri Miller (former editor of Metal Edge, a heavy metal magazine) didn’t do a spread of you in your speedos in “Metal Edge?”

Also, didn’t you rip the idea of “Metal Sludge” from Mad Magazine? I seem to recall they did a parody of Metal Edge in the late 80s entitled “Metal Sludge.”

Mr. Rachelle seemed to get his pink leather pants in a twist. Being an avid reader of Mad Magazine during my youth. Mad, in fact, did a parody of “Metal Edge” called “Metal Sludge”…years before the current incarnation of Metal Sludge, and when Mr. Rachelle was still giving overweight teenage groupies flyers for his “band better than the world” he-she band, Tuff. Mr. Rachelle seemed a bit pissed I knew that little-known factoid:

Bitter over NO Metal Edge coverage? Huh? The band was probably in 2-3 dozen issues over the years.

Please pay attention.

I really didn’t understand his statement, as he was avoiding my accusation of ripping off Mad Magazine. Was I bitter that I didn’t get no coverage in an 80′s hair metal rag? Was he bitter? One of his sheep responded to my accusation with this:

Mad Magazine was not smart enough to trademark Metal Sludge; $tevil (Stevie Rachelle’s nickname on the site) was. Having a good idea and failing to protect it is dumb. Picking up an unprotected good idea and making it yours is really smart!

Who knew someone who wrote some of the most asinine lyrics in music history was such a genius? Mad Magazine dubbed it’s writers “The Usual Gang of Idiots.” I believe Mr. Rachelle and one of his sheep gives him way too much credit for that distinction.

Believing that Mr. Rachelle was too busy readying the world for “Vains of Jenna” a band he uh…”manages”…

No, that’s not an 80′s hair band, that’s a current band wanting to be an 80′s hair band. Confused? So are they.

…anyway, I responded with this:

Why would I be bitter? If I had a band on the D- list of 80s hair metal, I’d probably be like most of ‘em today…flippin’ burgers, a fat, drunken parody of my former self, or making a parody website and calling it “Shit Parader.” See how witty and brilliant that was?

Tuff wasn’t really on my radar in their..er…”heyday”, just another bunch of transvestites with guitars. However, their former singer (current? Whatever…) seems to still have sand in his vagina.

Later posts were from more people still not believing that they were in the presence of an 80′s hair metal super-hero and sometimes interview-ee on VH1′s shows about bands way past their expiration date!

For those of you wanting to see the actual “debate”, you have to register a username and password on the site. As far as Mr. Rachelle goes, he’s probably too busy counting his dozens of dollars to respond to such a peon such as myself. However, for one shining second, I was in the presence of hair metal royalty! Perhaps this will only be my claim to fame, and if it is, I can die a happy man!

Justin Bieber Is A Faggot!

The truth hurts!

From TMZ:

Recently Justin Bieber defended himself during a laser tag match from a kid who called him a “faggot”. The boy had gone out of his way to corner Justin. He became frustrated when the kid wouldn’t stop shooting. Bieber told him “That’s enough” … the kid responded, “What are you gonna do about it, faggot?”

Bieber, surprised, replied, “Excuse me?” Sources say the other kid responded, “You’re a faggot” and then put his hand out toward Bieber and Bieber pushed it away as he left. Many news reports said Bieber struck the boy, but that never happened.

According to TMZ, it was the boy’s father who filed the complaint hours later, and evidently the father was heard at the scene repeatedly telling people, “I’m a lawyer.”

The police are still investigating, but as of now no fault lies with Justin Bieber.

We here at “The ‘Shit” not only think young Mr. Bieber is a faggot, but he’s a little bitch…and apparently, this other kid is, too. It sounds to me these little bitches got into a little bitchslap fight while playing a game of “Laser Tag”…which I thought ran it’s course in the freakin’ 80s!

However, like all third-world countries, Canada is always a few decades behind when it comes to fads!

Remedial Bullshit 105

Welcome back to an all new installment of Remedial Bullshit! It’s been awhile, and this world is constantly changing, so I’m here to teach you unstable fuckwits some…things…

Speaking of unstable fuckwits, if you’re one of them, then this instructional video is just for you:

This was filmed way before medication made some of you behave and half-way function in normal society. When this was filmed, they would just throw some of you in an insane asylum, hose you down, and feed you some sort of gruel day in and day out until you died. Man, I miss those days!

The Shit Is Hitting The Fan!

I love you all.

I’m back!

…and this time, I’m shittier than ever!!!!

Stop GMC

On the way to work yesterday, I happened upon this:

I thought, “Could my little town be on the verge of gang warfare, and this was some gang marking their turf?”

Then I realized that’d make Ironton, OH WAYYYY too interesting.

I then thought that perhaps it was someone’s initials and this was their way of telling us he/she needs to be stopped before they spraypaint again!

However, I came to the conclusion that someone was wanting to stop GM(A)C!  Apparently,  they just forgot the “A.”  It happens.

I agree that GMAC needs to be stopped.  First, they didn’t listen to Al Gore and continued to produce gas-guzzling cars and SUVs.  Then, when things went to shit the CEOs flew in private jets asking the government for a handout!  Now, they’re bankrupt (or on the verge, I dunno) and in a world of suck!

I applaud this Ironton, OH citizen for taking a stand and telling the world to stop GM(A)C!

Host My Ass

Here I go again.

Where’s that shiny new blog I had up?  Gone.  Kaput…along with the two new entries (which will be rewritten later).  Yahoo somehow deleted my ENTIRE blog without my knowledge.  Also, they had a VERY old version of WordPress that couldn’t even embed video (WP 2.6.2).  So I cancelled service and will be getting a refund….I BETTER be getting a refund.

I consider myself VERY computer literate, but this has been nothing but a gigantic pain in my taint.  I basically had to learn the ins and outs of hosting, FTP, etc by myself.  However, learning these things by myself has made me well….knowing how to use them (sorta).

So here I am back at WordPress’ root blog control or whatever.  I still would love to host this blog somewhere else withouth the irritation of what I went through.  Any FREE web hosting out there that isn’t a total rip-off?  Anyone want to host me on their…host?  

So yeah, the previous entries from  yesterday will be re-written later.

Technical Difficulties

I WAS supposed to be on a brand new hosting site with a shiny new theme and everything.

I gave the hosting people my info at 1am last night, and went to bed excited like a kid at Christmas that tomorrow (or today), I’d be the owner of a NEW (old) blog on a new host and everything will be right with the world.

As of now, my account with said hosting service is still “pending” and after a couple of emails, still no response.  Sooo…I redirected all traffic back to here, what little traffic I had anyway.

So hang in there, kids.  A new crypticbullshit.com will soon emerge.  When?  I dunno.

Remedial Bullshit 104

Welcome to a very special session of Remedial Bullshit…er….104.

We are living in a time of uncertainty, where nations like North Korea and their ilk are threatening to blow us to smithereenies!

We here at Cryptic Bullshit LIVE to inform, educate, and inspire!  So that’s we we dug up this film to educate you all on what to do in case Kim Jong Il gets sand in his vagina:

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Lawry’s Seasoning Salt

Lawry’s Seasoned Salt…is there anything it CAN’T do??

From burgers, to chicken, to steak, to hot dogs…I put it on there.  It makes things just taste…awesome!  It’s the crack of seasoning!

In fact, I also tried it on popcorn once and it even made it taste good!  Of course, just dry-air popped popcorn sans butter.

I bet if you put Lawry’s on dog shit it’d make it taste good…not that I’d recommend it or anything.

Blog the Salad

I’ve heard alot of people complain that people in prison get treated as if they were in a country club, complete with HDTV, internet access, etc.  I’ve also heard it argued that they should have these things taken away indefinitely for whatever crime they committed.

To all this, I say, “Hold the shank!”

I say give prisoners access to a computer 24/7.  However, only allow them to blog about their experiences in prison…don’t allow them to connect to ANYONE….let them talk about what really goes on in jail and let the public read about it.  To hell with MSNBC and their excessive marathons of “Locked Up.”  Give Charles Manson a Myspace page and let the fun begin!  Who needs a shrink when we can see for ourselves what goes through their minds…and what goes on behind bars.  Let them Twitter when they’ve been Twattered!

For example:

human_pin_cushion wrote:  can’t even take a shit in peace these people are animals in here why is everyone calling me bitchtits oh this place is terrible.

No more “Scared Straight” programs, because let’s face it, kids today are mobile and connected…if we let prisoners blog about their everyday lives and tell the world what really goes in on these prisons on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, etc…it will get read by kids who are thinking about saying no…but really don’t want to!

Keep in mind that these “prison blogs” are to be monitored for “secret” codes or messages and are only used to talk about what goes on behind bars.

I think that if certain facilities were to implement this, it might keep the jail population down when someone reads how they were reamed in the ass for a month continuously, or cut, stabbed, etc.

Kill my landlord….kill my landlord.